Why I choose to recycle* (*not the Al Gore kind)

As people who’ve read this thing before know, there is some weird magnetic field that keeps drawing me back to old relationships, either to revisit or to just have a fling. A myspace friend recently posed this question to me: why do you go back and revisit old relationships?Off the top of my head, I’d say that it’s because I know what I’m getting. I know what to expect, and–probably equally important–what NOT to expect from that person. It somehow feels fun to know and accept the person’s flaws because you have distance from the relationships and you love them (although are not still in love with them) despite the flaws. That’s definitely big for me because when i’m “in it,” I tend to get really wrapped up in what doesn’t work well in a relationships and always want to fix things, but in a reconnect I am more easygoing. Mainly because expectations are lower.The only reconnects during which I really thought we could “get it right” the second time around were reconnects that happened right after we broke up–like a period of days or weeks during which we didn’t see other people and were pretty miserable.

But I guess I have enough experience to know deep down that if it didn’t work the first time, there was a reason. I don’t actually believe that people change or, even more than that, that the essential ways in which any given two people interact will change after time. I suppose that a reconnect could have a happy ending only when the circumstance under which it didn’t work the first time had to do exclusively with timing…however, I’d like to believe that if that was the only barrier, the two people would find a way to make it work. I mean, of all the things to get in the way, that’s one you just can’t control so you just have to ride it out and concentrate on what you can control.

As for the sexual component to the reconnect, it’s there. Obviously! Perhaps I’m just not admitting it could be a primary factor since I’m a girl. It is definitely up there, right behind the “knowing what you’re getting” scenario. In fact, it’s the same thing because you know what you’re getting in bed, and that can be the biggest gamble of all when you are just starting out dating someone: what will it be like in bed?

the text message

I can’t remember exactly when I started texting, but it was sometime within the last three years. At first, I used it only with a few people in my phone book, but somehow within a matter of months, I was texting everyone who I regularly called, IMed, or emailed. Needless to say, I had to purchase the 1000 text/month package from my wireless carrier because my addiction was costing me up to $30 extra per month. I don’t use the term “addiction” lightly here. I pride myself on not only texting quickly and accurately–and now with two thumbs in the era of the blackjack–but I am able to do it while simultaneously crossing the street, listening to my ipod, and saying hi to people on the street. There are just some things that come out better via text message, and it’s great for messaging people who you otherwise not want to pick up the phone and call. But my top reason for texting is definitely flirting.

This has led to a number of dating disasters. Take for example the night that my friends and I were out to dinner and they decided to wrestle my phone away from me and send a dirty text message to the first guy (alphabetically) in my phone book. The message went to a hot guy with whom I’d flirted a number of times…I had this crazy fantasy that he could potentially be up for a hot hookup some night when I was lonely, but alas–he received the explicit text message from “me.” After admonishing my friends severely, I decided that my best option was to pretend it never happened.

Maybe it would just go unnoticed?

Maybe the message didn’t go through!?!

Ha! The next time I saw him was months later at 1 am at a club, and when I went over to say “Hi,” the first thing out of his mouth was a smirk and “Nice text message!” This left me in the awkward position of having to tell the lame story about how my friends sent it and I had nothing to do with it, blah blah, etc. As if he believed any of it.

I also have a bad habit of getting bored in the late afternoon and texting to “check in” since I tend not to call guys (boyfriends excluded of course), preferring to answer or return their calls instead. I really need to quit this for a number of reasons. First off, if I am dating someone who lives in the same metropolitan area as I do, I think we should spend as little time as possible on the phone or in what I term “alternative forms of communication,” i.e. instant messenger, email, and text messages. These are the Bermuda triangle of dating. Seriously. Don’t fall into this trap! If you are dating, spend time together IN PERSON! Entire relationships can begin and end using this evil triangle of communication, with little face-to-face interaction inbetween.

For example, I recently began and ended a seriously ill-fated reconnect entirely via text message. His number was no longer in my phone since we had broken up abruptly months earlier, but I recognized the number when he started texting…he must have chosen to reconnect via text in order to take advantage of my addiction, and I fell right into his trap. Especially when he dared me to meet up with him–I have difficulty passing down a good dare. Luckily I quickly regained the upper hand and succeeded in never calling him during our 3-4 week reconnect; he may have called 3 or 4 times during that period. For this and so many other reasons, I knew it was going nowhere and eventually stopped returning his texts. Instead of picking up the phone and calling me, he continued to send texts asking if I had “quit,” and after a few days he stopped texting altogether. In retrospect, I feel very responsible for creating this monster, because the first time this man had ever sent a text message was right after our first date one year ago to say he had a great time. I swear I didn’t teach him–but it was probably something in my pheromones that signaled to him to communicate with me via text. Now he’s clearly also addicted.

One last danger of using texting as a flirting mechanism is that it’s utterly unreliable as a mode of communiation. I’ve sent messages to guys with other cell phone carriers that they’ve never received, and vice versa; you can only imagine the problems this causes in a relationship where alternative forms of communication dominate. Or you could send a flirty text to someone who–for whatever reason–doesn’t use text messages! Or to someone whose number is in your phone but your number is NOT in his phone. Lastly, you could send a message that’s so long that it either 1) gets cut off or 2) the recipient doesn’t scroll down to the end, where you’ve inevitably placed the most important part of your message.

Given that I’ve got loads more personal examples of why texting leads to miscommunications, misinterpretations, and general disasters, I really need to work on picking up the phone and calling more often.

You’ve got mail!

And now for a new topic in dating: online dating.  Sadly, I am no stranger to this realm.  In fact, I can confidently give you a few hard & fast rules for online dating.

Given that I don’t tend to meet people in public (see posts on meeting people in bars) and relying on friends to set me up is unreliable at best, I have on occasion subscribed to an online dating service such as Yahoo! Personals, Jdate or Match.com. I have also–twice that I can think of–met people with whom I’d corresponded on free services like friendster, myspace, and facebook. Some meetings have been insanely disastrous, awkward, or just boring…others have led to anything from a series of so-so dates to intense, month-long lustful encounters to year-plus relationships (complete with the requisite reconnect).

Pros of online dating include being able to screen for pretty much any trait you want, from what kinds of pets he wants to what type of food he likes (personally, I don’t care about the latter, but the pet thing could be a dealbreaker if he doesn’t love dogs). For tall chicks like me, screening for men who are at least my height or taller is also a great feature. But I am a person who doesn’t really have a “type,” and makes rules on height and body type and age range, etc. that I have broken on numerous occasions. If I were convinced that the guy who met all 23 of my very specific criteria was my soulmate, I’d probably be in trouble because I know for a fact that such a narrow search on any of the popular dating sites would turn up fewer than 5 or 10 candidates with absolutely no guarantee of real-life chemistry. Luckily I’m not that gal, and I tend to say “yes” to emails from people whose profiles and initial messages somehow resonate with me.

Before I go on and on (I could do a series of posts on this topic), let me share some pointers for guys on online dating:

1. Include more than one picture and make sure it’s not too old, fuzzy, or otherwise unhelpful to someone who has never seen you before. If you no longer have as much hair as you used to (or any at all), don’t hide it with old pictures or shots of you in a baseball cap. No “floating heads” either–at least allow your neck and shoulders to share the spotlight with you. While it’s great if the pictures subtly gives a sense of whether or not you’ve lied about your body type, shirtless pictures are not necessary and don’t exactly scream classy.

2. Don’t send a form email as an initial message to someone in whom you’re very interested. We can tell, and we don’t appreciate it. At the very least, pick out one or two details from our profile to comment on and ask a question or two. The more interested you seem, the more intrigued we are.

3. Don’t get into an email/instant message routine with someone. Send the initial email and, if you receive a response, move as quickly as possible to asking if you can call her to set up a date. People can click really easily via email or instant message (or even on the phone) but that’s all null and void if you lack real-life chemistry. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been soooooo intrigued by hours-long IM conversations only to be sorely disappointed by face-to-face interactions. Or how many adorable, flirty email chains have led to nothing but inbox clutter and lost interest on my part.

4. Once you’ve met, forget that you’ve met online and STOP with the emails and instant messages and text messages except when they’re truly necessary. Asking a girl out via IM or email is inexcusable once you’ve met, and any self-respecting woman will not encourage such behavior. If you’re interested after the first date, follow up quickly with a phone call to set up a second date; if things are really going well, you might make tentative plans for a second date while still on the first date, in which case you should call her soon to confirm.

Those are the main starter points….more on online dating to follow.

To call or not to call?

I’ve never been a fan of that whole 3 day waiting period after a first meeting or date with a guy. Not because it’s so awkward and anxiety ridden that I spend hours pondering what I did wrong, but rather because I believe that you should know–probably within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone–whether or not you want to see him again. Just take 30 seconds right now to think back to the last time you met someone for the first time…..you had an initial impression almost instantly, right? Regardless of whether it’s right or not, it’s damn near impossible to change it.

It might prove to be a “false positive” impression on the second date, in which case you haven’t lost more than a few hours of your time. But I can’t remember a time when I’ve been underwhelmed upon meeting a guy and later falling desperately in love with him. So if we somehow know whether or not we are intrigued by someone almost instantly, shouldn’t it follow that we would not hesitate to move forward with a second date ASAP?

The question of when to do this is highly dependent upon the situation. If it’s the end of the first date and you’ve had perhaps too much to drink, it’s probably not the best time for the guy to request a second date. Sometimes I have felt caught totally off guard by guys requesting a second date before the second one is over, but on other (and admittedly more rare) occasions it has felt perfectly natural and was thrilling to know that the guy was enjoying himself as much as I was. In short, all you have to lose is something that wasn’t there already: if she is taken aback by your forwardness, you’re probably more into it anyway, and this can prove as difficult to change as first impressions.

The real problem is when you have a great time but wait 4 days to call a girl because you think the girl will find you uncool. If a girl is looking for a player who isn’t really available or interested in something serious, she won’t be bothered by a guy who waits 4 days or even a week. But if a girl is looking for a long-term relationship–or (dare I say) a husband–then she will be receptive to the next day call. Who knows–she might even be receptive to the “I just got home and wanted to call and tell you again that I had a great time” call from a guy.

Personally, if a guy doesn’t call me relatively quickly after we meet or have our first date, I probably won’t return his call unless I’ve really got nothing else going on. I have had my share of unavailable–physically, emotionally, what have you–men and I am trying my best not to fall into that trap again….

Becoming “Bambi”

Last year I posted a blog about my penchant for using fake names in bars…usually it’s some regular name that i want to try on for size, and sometimes it’s a more exotic name (like “natasha”). Well, recently I decided to try passing off the most ridiculous fake name there is: BAMBI. Several factors were involved: 1) excessive alcohol consumption and 2) the “bet” factor: I had bet my friends that I would successfully become “Bambi,” and if I won I got to see an embarrassing video of them doing a horrendous lip synch of the Bloodhound Gang’s “bad touch.” during college.

It was surprisingly easy. I quickly identified a group of late-twenties professionals as my targets and made my way into their group. Sadly, I don’t remember what exactly we were discussing for most of the evening (they liked “Bambi” so much that they kept buying her shots), but I do remember that they called me “bambi” continuously throughout the evening and that one of the girls I was out with kept calling “Bambi” back over to their group, which no doubt added to the legitimacy of the whole deal. The only slip-up was that I had failed to prepare a fake occupation for Miss Bambi, and my current occupation (non-profit consulting) was not at all Bambi-esque. At this point, it was pretty clear that the guys knew they were being played, but played along anyway because they got plenty of entertainment out of it; I even got a business card and a job offer from one of the men to do fundraising work for his company! That was even better than getting to watch the awful lip sync video.

The lesson here is that you have more fun if you don’t set out to meet your soul mate in a bar. Keep expectations low, because in a bar it’s all about the game. Do you really think you’ll meet your ideal mate randomly at a bar? I am pretty certain that I won’t, since the very few guys who approach me are the really aggressive, pushy ones who I wouldn’t seek out on my own, and with whom I’m not really compatible. I figure that if it’s my soul mate, he’ll forgive me for not wanting to give my real name to a stranger in a bar and will accept and grow to love my real name–so long as I tell him the truth prior to our first date! As for me approaching men, I can’t recall a time when I’ve done that; that’s mainly due to my shyness and partly due to the fact that I’m still a little old-fashioned when it comes to dating.

But all is not lost. First of all, bars are great places in which to practice flirting. No, I did not say “bars are perfect places in which to try out your best cheesy one-liners”-there is a difference! Flirting is best when it comes naturally, but perfecting your own personal flirting style is an art that only gets better if you practice it. Second, there is the very real possibility that you will meet an intriguing, attractive new friend of a friend/acquaintance at a bar. This person is pretty much pre-approved as being a quality individual since your friend is friends with him/her, and there is a good chance that you will have more in common than just the one friend.

Don’t forget to keep in mind that, aside from these few positive scenarios, the bar scene is a meat market largely populated by drunk, lecherous men and women who, like me, are more amused by giving a fake name and/or fake phone number than bringing themselves to utter the words “I’m not interested.”

In our defense, telling the simple truth has often backfired, thus prompting women to use these tricks. For example, I’ve found that for the countless time that I’ve looked someone right in the eye and said “Sorry, I have a boyfriend,” it’s not seen as a valid excuse by the average hopeful suitor in a bar. Guys will respond by spending the next 10 minutes trying to convince you that you’re unhappy in your relationship, your boyfriend is inferior to them, that going on just one date with them is better than being single and alone, etc. Given this reality, it’s no wonder that I opt for becoming “Bambi” instead….plus it’s more fun!

Breaking up is hard to do…

Starting during my senior year of college when I had my first boyfriend, I have been in a series of 5 long-term relationships (defined for these purposes as exclusive and at least 6 months long). They can be pretty exhausting–by the end, inevitably you’ve fallen into a rut where you do the same activities over and over with the same person and hardly ever go out. So inbetween I like to shake things up a bit: I date a whole number of people at once and have a lot of fun. In college the substitute for this was the random hookup, since actual dating didn’t exist: you either randomly hooked up on the weekends and/or had FWB (friends with benefits) or you were in a serious, long-term relationship, a.k.a. a “marriage.”

In post-college life, I have been struck by the notion that you can actually just DATE people and get to know them (unlike with the random hookup) but not immediately jump into a serious, committed trap of a relationship (a.k.a. a “marriage.”) Dating is fun, silly, interesting, challenging, disappointing, frustrating, captivating, amazing, and sometimes plain dull. But it’s always different with each new encounter, and it’s surprisingly commitment-free.

That having been said, I have had this awful feeling lately that I am the worst dumper ever when it comes to people that I have casually dated or with whom I’ve hooked up. I mean, after going on a few dates with a guy, I have been known to send a lame email saying that it has been fun, but I am seeing someone else and want that to be exclusive. With my latest reconnection mistake, I sent out the word via text message. I have tried to justify these horrendously tactless splits to myself, saying we met via the internet, so it’s OK to email, or he always asked me out via email, so I can dump him via email, or he had a bad habit of not calling and then sending me passive-aggressive text messages, so I can dump him via text, and the sad thing is, in each individual situation I actually believe that what I did was OK. It’s when I lump them all together and take a long, hard look at the pattern that I am slightly horrified at my behavior.

But perhaps nothing can top the situation I successfully made the switch from one guy to his good friend, and the good friend had the honors of letting the first guy know of my change of heart. Yes, that feels as shitty as it sounds. And I’m not any better at ending real relationships with a normal, in-person conversation, I always seem to chicken out and end up dumping boyfriends using the worst cop-out moves in history. Even if it wasn’t meant to be, these guys deserved better treatment than the ones I’d only known for days or weeks.

Why is breaking up so hard to do? Am I a lost cause, or could I learn better methods?

The “reconnect”

Another blast from the past:

A strange improbable yet inevitable postscript to almost every dating encounter – whether it be a relationship that faded off or ended decisively, short- or long-term – is the “reconnection.” You know, it’s when one person from a relationship that’s been dead for weeks or months makes contact with the other person. They send a text message, leave a voicemail, and all of the sudden they are back in your life, attempting to reconnect with you on some level. Even if you both know there is no chance that you’ll hook up or go out again, one of you will eventually want to reconnect. Sometimes you genuinely enjoyed each other’s company as friends. Sometimes you just feel bad about the way things ended and can’t deal with being thought of as an asshole, so you want to smooth things over. Sometimes you can’t remember why things ended in the first place and you really DO want to see if you can “reconnect.” And sometimes I even think it’s boredom…….you find yourself thinking of that person and you don’t know why.

I’ve only attempted the reconnect once, with a very hot guy that I dated very intensely for one month. Very abruptly he stopped calling and I didn’t feel like stalking him, so I left it alone. About 4 or 5 months later, I randomly emailed him with a really funny, short message, and, to my surprise, he wrote back! He said he had been thinking of me and maybe we could get together for brunch or something. We in fact did have brunch a week or two later, and it was nice to see him. I even got to see his dog, who I obviously missed more than the guy! Nothing ever came of the reconnect, and I still can’t figure out why either of us wanted to reconnect…but I should have known that the intensity of that month could never be replicated, especially over brunch months later. Some things are better left in the past.

The “reconnection brunch” was two years ago! But I still keep this guy’s number in my phone. And last night he appeared in my dream….

I heart unavailable

Please amuse yourself with this admittedly old content while I get myself up and running:

I told myself that I was going to stay far, far away from emotionally (or otherwise – like has a girlfriend, lives in another city, etc.) unavailable men after my last relationship ended almost 7 months ago…and as a result have become somewhat guarded and emotionally unavailable myself. I do want to find someone, so long as he is the right someone and not just someone who fulfills a void. But of all the people out there that I’m dating/seeing/engaged in some sort of undefinable relationship with (current count: around 5 and a half, or maybe more?), the ones that I heart are the unavailable ones.

At the top of the unavailable list is the guy who literally has no free time between work and activities/events outside of work (he is something of a local celebrity), and because of this has made clear from the start that we are just friends who “hang out” and like each other a lot. Other than that, there aren’t supposed to be any “rules.” Like we can call each other, we can say that we miss each other when we don’t see each other, and we don’t have to worry about defining our status. All well and good, honesty appreciated, but I find myself thinking about him ALL THE TIME. When we are together, it is so easy and fun, and when we kiss, it’s simply amazing. He has a totally different background than I do, and very different career path, but somehow when we are talking, we relate better than I do with most people. Of course I might just want him so badly because I can’t have him….?? I can’t really tell if I’d like him at all if he was calling me every day and wanting to take me out.