Why I choose to recycle* (*not the Al Gore kind)

As people who’ve read this thing before know, there is some weird magnetic field that keeps drawing me back to old relationships, either to revisit or to just have a fling. A myspace friend recently posed this question to me: why do you go back and revisit old relationships?Off the top of my head, I’d say that it’s because I know what I’m getting. I know what to expect, and–probably equally important–what NOT to expect from that person. It somehow feels fun to know and accept the person’s flaws because you have distance from the relationships and you love them (although are not still in love with them) despite the flaws. That’s definitely big for me because when i’m “in it,” I tend to get really wrapped up in what doesn’t work well in a relationships and always want to fix things, but in a reconnect I am more easygoing. Mainly because expectations are lower.The only reconnects during which I really thought we could “get it right” the second time around were reconnects that happened right after we broke up–like a period of days or weeks during which we didn’t see other people and were pretty miserable.

But I guess I have enough experience to know deep down that if it didn’t work the first time, there was a reason. I don’t actually believe that people change or, even more than that, that the essential ways in which any given two people interact will change after time. I suppose that a reconnect could have a happy ending only when the circumstance under which it didn’t work the first time had to do exclusively with timing…however, I’d like to believe that if that was the only barrier, the two people would find a way to make it work. I mean, of all the things to get in the way, that’s one you just can’t control so you just have to ride it out and concentrate on what you can control.

As for the sexual component to the reconnect, it’s there. Obviously! Perhaps I’m just not admitting it could be a primary factor since I’m a girl. It is definitely up there, right behind the “knowing what you’re getting” scenario. In fact, it’s the same thing because you know what you’re getting in bed, and that can be the biggest gamble of all when you are just starting out dating someone: what will it be like in bed?

The “reconnect”

Another blast from the past:

A strange improbable yet inevitable postscript to almost every dating encounter – whether it be a relationship that faded off or ended decisively, short- or long-term – is the “reconnection.” You know, it’s when one person from a relationship that’s been dead for weeks or months makes contact with the other person. They send a text message, leave a voicemail, and all of the sudden they are back in your life, attempting to reconnect with you on some level. Even if you both know there is no chance that you’ll hook up or go out again, one of you will eventually want to reconnect. Sometimes you genuinely enjoyed each other’s company as friends. Sometimes you just feel bad about the way things ended and can’t deal with being thought of as an asshole, so you want to smooth things over. Sometimes you can’t remember why things ended in the first place and you really DO want to see if you can “reconnect.” And sometimes I even think it’s boredom…….you find yourself thinking of that person and you don’t know why.

I’ve only attempted the reconnect once, with a very hot guy that I dated very intensely for one month. Very abruptly he stopped calling and I didn’t feel like stalking him, so I left it alone. About 4 or 5 months later, I randomly emailed him with a really funny, short message, and, to my surprise, he wrote back! He said he had been thinking of me and maybe we could get together for brunch or something. We in fact did have brunch a week or two later, and it was nice to see him. I even got to see his dog, who I obviously missed more than the guy! Nothing ever came of the reconnect, and I still can’t figure out why either of us wanted to reconnect…but I should have known that the intensity of that month could never be replicated, especially over brunch months later. Some things are better left in the past.

The “reconnection brunch” was two years ago! But I still keep this guy’s number in my phone. And last night he appeared in my dream….